Going from "right to restless

I wasn't feeling the usual creative flow sitting down today to write this piece. As part of my usual routine to get into things, I poured a glass of wine, opened my browser, and started typing in random words to get something to... well, spark.

restless, untamed, unsettled, over it, stuck, vibrating...

The results were shit.

Ladies, I'm sure you can guess what my search results returned.

"Menopause", "midlife crisis", "aging gracefully"... WTAF.

I find it wildly entertaining and yet incredibly frustrating that this is what society tells women they are experiencing when they are feeling restless. Rather than addressing the fact that so many women feel dissatisfied, underutilized, unheard, unseen, or capable of so much more, they are told they're getting old or going through menopause. Deep breath.

Here I am, twenty years into a career in business and I am absolutely feeling dissatisfied, underutilized, unheard, unseen, and capable of so much more. I could list a million reasons I might have found myself here based on tons of published articles, literature, and experiences shared by the collective, but those are superficial and I'm not covering those today. It's deeper than that. Much deeper.

Throughout my career, I've had so many learnings, so many good experiences, and so much growth, but through all of it, there's always been something missing. Just a little piece of my soul where the light shines through, nagging me that something is just not. quite. right.

Is. this. It?

I recently left my comfortable position for an advancement opportunity. I'm no stranger to change, growth, or uncomfortableness. I'm a big fan of the stretch and the words "comfortable in the uncomfortable". Give me a challenge and I'll figure it out. But this new job - it's been different. The excitement of the challenge, the growth, and the learning is gone this time. There's nothing wrong with the organization, if anything, it is super challenging, and that in itself should have lit me up like a Christmas Tree, but it has not.

So, of course, I do what I've learned to do best, and I start analyzing. Pouring over all of my experiences, my feelings, and the interactions throughout the day and asking myself, "What am I missing?" Every morning, I get up and get ready for work, and almost immediately, my soul starts vibrating. It's difficult to describe, but if you've felt it, you know. It's like your soul is physically trying to vibrate out of your skin and it's all you can do to keep it contained. Just like many women, I take a deep breath, steady my hands, and walk out the door ready to face the day knowing that something's not quite right, asking myself, "Is this it? This can't be it. Please tell me this isn't fucking all of it."

In true analyst form, I look for the answers outside of myself. I google, I ask questions, and I ask my colleagues and my mentors for "feedback" to help me do better. I pour over articles, books, and webinars and still, that little crack lets the light shine in. Everything else is mostly put together, but that little fucking crack... it's like I can see it out of the corner of my eye, and no matter how hard I try to ignore it, it's there.

So here I am. It feels so cliché, but I'm now starting to understand all the women before me who did what was "right". They got married, had a family, and landed a good job. They go off to work, come home, cook, clean, wipe runny noses, kiss skinned knees, and drive to baseball practice, gymnastics, and piano lessons. Laundry, homework, bedtime, just in time to go to bed and get ready to do it all again tomorrow. They did all the things they were supposed to do. The responsible things. But at some point, they woke up and as they were getting ready for work it hit them... "This is not right for me anymore".

So that begs the question, what exactly am I doing this for? Scared to leap? Scared to fail? Scared to be bigger than my wildest imagination? That's when I realized if I'm not growing, not learning, not enjoying myself, not teaching someone else, then what exactly am I doing it for? I realized I wasn't doing it for any reason other than all of the fears I made up inside my own brain, but I sure as hell wasn't doing it for myself or anyone else.

I hired a coach and there in the midst of my bullshit, she gave me a very simple quote;

Hint: the cage is not locked

Mind-blowing. How could something so simple be so profound? But at that moment, I sat on the floor and processed that.

Hollllllllly. Shit.

I've been following this path for so many years without a lot of thought about what was possible and today I learned something about myself.

The Cage. Is. Not. Locked.