Conversation series: over apologizing

I was recently out hiking with a friend who enjoys the natural foraging opportunities that Northern Saskatchewan provides. Each time we stopped to look at a plant, or take a picture, or harvest berries, she would apologize for slowing down the hike. And each time we came to another plant or berry, she would stop again. I didn't mind the pace, and stopping to smell the flowers so-to-speak, but after about the 20th apology, I finally turned to her and said, "Stop apologizing, it's getting annoying".

I didn't intend to be so short in my response to her, and I wasn't upset with her, but what I did notice, is that the whole exercise felt so unauthentic and THAT was what was irritating me. So I started over again, and I explained that apologizing while continuing to repeat the same behaviours over and over again is incredibly frustrating because the act of apologizing without changing the behaviour makes the apology feel inauthentic. Instead, it implies that although the person is feigning regret, they will continue repeating the behaviour while apologizing as a lazy attempt to placate the other party. Let's be clear, in this scenario, it was a very small act and nothing to get upset about, but it is a common behaviour we experience often in our public and professional lives.

Over apologizing comes off as insincere, and in some cases, down right insulting to the receiving party. Alternatively, the over apologizer may be perceived as having low self confidence (and as a result, lowered confidence from others) and in some cases, considered untrustworthy or disingenuous.

In a case like this, where you want to acknowledge the scenario, but still want to continue what you're doing, skip the apology, acknowledge the scenario and give them an option to speak up. That's it. Just be honest, honour yourself and be prepared to make changes to your behaviour if need be.

"I know I keep holding everyone up each time I stop to take a picture or pick berries, but I really enjoy this part of our walk, so let me know if it's getting to be too much."

On the other hand, if you're not willing to change your behaviour, it's just as simple:

"I know I keep holding everyone up each time I stop to take a picture or pick berries, but I really enjoy this part of our walk.  If it's getting to be too much, you're welcome to continue on without me and I'll catch up".

Easy peezy.

Just changing a couple of words, clearly stating your intentions and skipping the apologies goes a long way to developing healthy positive relationships while honouring yourself too. Win-win.