When self help is not helpful

I don't know about you, but I have a very robust library of self help books. Improving productivity, being a strong leader, a quiet leader, a transformational leader. Getting organized, the stoics, psychologists, personal healing, shadow work, designing my life, improving time management, being a better parent, a better spouse, a better child to my aging parents all while building better habits. Developing high performance teams, managing my ego, designing organizational structures and compensation models. Motivation, engagement, culture, analysis... it's exhausting just typing it all out in this single paragraph.

Yet, each time I run into an issue, or something doesn't work the way I think it should, what do I do? I do some research, I pour over articles and websites, listen to podcasts, and yes, I buy another book. Sometimes I even order the accompanying workbook. Good lord, if I'd just invested that money...

I have a love-hate relationship with self help books. Sometimes my ego tells me I know everything, but sometimes, it caves and I get the opportunity and the benefit of reading some amazing and very helpful self help books. But like everything else, this work has a time and a place, and more importantly, perspective. Let that sit for a moment... these books provide:

Perspective

Perspective. Not facts. Not prescriptions. But perspective. Options. Things to think about.

I admittedly fall into this regularly, where I stop trusting myself, I stop listening to myself and as soon as I hit the slightest bump in the road, I throw up my hands, declare myself a failure and start looking for advice outside myself that will fix all my problems. If I can just do what this book tells me to do, I'll have all the answers. But here is the thing. The book was written by an individual with a unique set of experiences, a unique set of skills, strengths and weaknesses and a unique set of personality traits that are UNIQUE to themselves in a unique chain of events of their own unique personal history. Sure it might be supported by research, sure it might be supported by a model or a theory, and sure it might be wildly successful for others and sure, it might even be wildly successful for you.

But it also may not be. It might not fit. And even if it does fit, maybe it doesn't fit for you now in this time or this place. You also have your own unique set of skills, strengths, experiences, personality traits and history that have contributed to your own unique chain of events and personal history that have gotten you this far. Self development and growth is important and often we don't have all the answers, but consistently looking outside of ourselves for the answers rather than trusting our own intuition, knowledge, experience and knowing can be detrimental. If we never look within for our answers, we forget how to trust ourselves because we have taught ourselves to believe that everyone else knows best.

If self help books feel exhausting, or daunting, or depleting. Put them down for a moment and think about it. Is this helpful for you right now? Or does this feel like more stress, more pressure and a quicker road to more burn out? If that's the case, that's a good sign you've stopped listening. You've stopped listening to your heart, your gut, your intuition... whatever it might be and your body/mind/spirit is trying to tell you to stop looking outside yourself for the answers. If you get quiet, a little still... grounded, centred, whatever resonates with you... you will find some of those answers. Maybe just a little nugget, but it's there, and it's time to listen.

Self help has it's time and place, but so do you and sometimes you are just what you need.